April 2016 (3 months in Australia)
Dear 2 years old Marshall ,
In life, once in a while, you might get exhausted, stressed, and everything just doesn’t turn out as you want it to be. But be strong. Stay strong. Cause I have those times as well.
And today was one of those.
I woke up at 530 am today, which I usually do during weekdays. I prepared Dada’s breakfast and baon. While waiting for Dada to prepare for work, I then started to do some of the household chores. Dada usually leaves the house around 6 in the morning. I will then go back to bed hoping to get back to sleep, even just for 30 minutes.
Power nap. I need it so badly!
But today wasn’t my luck. You woke up before Dada left for work. We then kissed him goodbye.
I tried to convince you to go back to sleep. But you already stood up and asked to go to the toilet to pee. I am already anticipating your next words would be, “Mom, let’s not go back to sleep.” Though after flushing the toilet and washing your hands, you walked back quietly to the room. In my mind, “hurray!”
Then you picked up one of your toys and said, “Mommy, let’s play!” Uh oh.. So we went back to bed, but we didn’t go back to sleep. After nearly an hour of playing, I stood up to prepare our breakfast and asked you to play in the living room. Of course, you would come back and forth to get some of the toys.
Oh, the toys… Everywhere I can see toys.
Afterwards, I called you to sit with me and eat breakfast but you were hesitant. So, I carried you up, sit you on the chair, and asked you to pray. You politely obliged. It went well at first, you eating the noodle soup while I was wiping the mess on your face. Just when we’re about to finish, you played with the food and it scattered on the floor. Your clothes were wet and sticky. I told you to sit still while I get you new clothes.
When I went inside our bedroom, I stepped on one of the tiny lego. Ouch!
Then I spotted on our piled dirty laundry. Thought I just did the laundry a few days ago?? And then I saw the bed sheet and the blanket and all the pillows everywhere (and the toys!). In short, it was a mess.
I went back to change your clothes, and there you were happily playing on that sticky noodle mess, while I tripped on one of the toys. Again. I changed your clothes. Asked you to sit on the sofa while I picked up the toys. I swept the floor and then mopped it. I said to myself, finally, I have done one thing.
Just when I was about to wash the dishes, you were shouting “Mommy, wiwi”. You are already toilet trained so I wasn’t worried at all. Not after I saw you walking towards me in the kitchen and said “Mommy may wiwi”. I saw your shorts wet (again), and the newly swept and mopped floor wet, (again)!
I then bursted in exhaustion. I shouted at you, “Marshall! Baket dyan ka umihi! Diba marunong ka na?! Baket dyan ka pa ren umihi sa sahig!” I kept on talking, and shouting, and talking.
Suddenly I felt very tired. I wasn’t complaining. I am not. It’s not that I am not doing the things wholeheartedly, but at this point, I just felt that I am at my weakest. That feeling that I have already done a lot of things, and yet I still have a lot of things to do, and I still need to do the things which I already did.
I felt I didn’t get enough rest and sleep.
I felt ugly still wearing the stained pajamas and my hair was a mess.
I felt I have no one to share my loads of work.
I felt alone.
Next thing I knew I was already teary-eyed, shouting, and still scolding at you.
And then I saw you looking at me, probably wondering what’s happening to me.
Oh, that look of your innocent eyes…
I cried, even more, when I heard you said, “Mommy, don’t be sad, I’m here.”
Then you embraced me and patted me on my back.
Wow, this 2-year-old…
Here I am scolding you, and there you were, comforting me.
I didn’t know where’d you get those words.
But it pinched my heart and made me realized that despite what I have been feeling, I have this little human in front of me, understanding and loving me in his own special way.
And I just prayed to the Lord, to give me more strength and more patience.
Today, I was able to cook early for dinner, vacuum the carpet, cleaned and mopped the floor, bathe you and feed you and put you to sleep. I felt more energized and more patient. Forget about all the dirty clothes, the messy floor, and all the unnecessary things. There can never be more important than this little man beside me and the family I am with, right now.